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06 December 2011 @ 04:21 pm
stream of consciousness  
Hello, it's been a long time! This is the me who has pretty much turned hikikomori and socially stupid after months of hanging out with my best buddies, my studies. I was trying to emulate my O-levels determination where I hardly touched any form of recreation at all, so I banned sites involving most social media, k-pop, tumblr and all that jazz but of course it just had to backfire. (´;ω;`) I wound up creating a weheartit and last.fm, so do add me if you have an account there too! After I revamped my flavors recently, I realised now I have more useless sites added to the list then ever, whut. I must admit I overindulge in impracticalities a little too much...

My writing has started to become rather rusty, and I'm back to that phase where I feel a little uncomfortable talking about myself - time to change that and journal more often again. Here's some things I've been up to!

1. had an awesome birthday
I managed to pull out some time to celebrate with joel, who bears the same birthday with me, along with my cute tree, kome, this year. I have brought a lot of trouble to you guys this year with my problematic personality and my persistent vulnerability to illnesses, I'm really really sorry. Thanks for staying with me even so, I love you guys. ❤ On two other occasions, I also met up with a few secondary school classmates who have never forgotten me even despite very brief contact over the past two years because of our hectic lifestyles. For that, I'm unendingly thankful too.(≧v≦●)

We went to a Japanese sweets and desserts buffet (and also where I swore to bring cindy to if she ever comes to Singapore!), and I still can't get enough of it! It's a small, quaint place which serves a free flow of sweets and desserts, but also odd Western dishes like takoyaki pastaaaaa. Man that tasted good. If I don't make it as an artist, I'm so going to become a food photographer. (。✧‿✧。)

2. completed my art coursework, and with that
3. had my senior end-of-year art exhibition

thumbnails of my digital painting series, "Sub Rosa"

Ah, coursework; my first real school-based art project and hence, biggest achievement, but also my hugest shame. This year has been horrible - due to my ineptitude to progress in the right direction for my coursework, I spent a good deal of months stagnating, limiting myself by repeatedly by imposing my own assumptions about art class onto myself. "Art must look realistic", "art must take reference in everything" - I had so many opportunities to utilise my imagination (which is also where my love for art really is), but I ran away from it instead. By the time I caught up, it was already June, and I had wasted too much time trying to keep afloat rather than going forwards. At many times I simply couldn't imagine myself completing the work at all.

But somehow, with (a little too) many tears and plenty of (both metaphorical and literal) blood, I did. The day of submission brought some lingering emptiness and disappointment - not that I had time to hold onto that; almost immediately after was hitting the books. While the rest of the school had months to prepare, I only had a month, and it was a do-or-die on the actual exam itself. In addition to my most traumatising prelim exams' grades (which I had no time to study for), the most hopeless feeling overcame me, like I had hit rock bottom but didn't have enough time to surface for a breath. I'm so glad it's over.

I'm still not happy with my coursework outcome. I frequently have to consciously quell that feeling of self-disgust and tides of dispiritedness. The art exhibition was an ego-booster - I honestly cannot describe how exhilarating it is for people to be curious about your work. I'm still uncomfortable about public speaking, but this was different. After all those months of self-accusation, this made it worth it. This is another facet of art which I've never experienced while I was still secretly doodling animu characters just two years back, and I'm just starting to fall in love with.

My biggest dilemma to taking art as a subject was growing to hate it when I couldn't meet with standards, or if it became an obligation - I'm glad this never happened. I'm planning to apply an art university next year, and hopefully, this will hold true even then. (❀◡‿◡。)

On a more frivolous note: well okay, blood was only shed because I was chopping tape and, quite miraculously, missed while setting up my paintings, but still. Also, after some research on the paper my paintings should be printed on, my teacher and I decided to settle for Hahnemuhle Museum Etching paper, which is 100+$ per A2 piece, no kidding. And seeing as I had six paintings... I was standing in its midst after set up and feeling utterly overwhelmed. Of course, the cost was covered by the school, hur hur. ε(๑◕ ω ◕๑)з

4. completed my A's and SATs
Another of the most horrific experiences - most of the days before my papers were spent tossing and turning, victim to insomnia and nightmares, and while a few papers were slightly satisfying, most were pure torture. Even now, I'm getting nightmares about scenarios where I couldn't finish my H3 Art paper. (shivers)
But after some introspection, the exams were definitely not as painful as its preparation, where the waiting came without an end in sight.

aaaand on a more trivial note, 5. fandommmmm
Remember how I said I isolated myself from k-pop? Well not as planned, I got back into animanga (which I naively thought I wouldn't get addicted to again), when it seems that most people I know have moved on from. It's kind of sad to be keyboard-smashing all alone, y'know. (๑◕︵◕๑) Anyone who happens to be into Reborn, Nabari no Ou, Gintama, please raise your hands... excitedly.
But one thing I realised after two years, was that... my tastes have changed a lot. I mean, Gintoki suddenly seems a lot more attractive compared to my impression of him as the useless oyaji I thought he was before. Hibari who seemed pretty overrated suddenly does have some charm - which only goes to show that my younger sister probably has had a more mature taste than myself, oops. But hey, I'm growing up! My interest no longer solely lies in cute little boy characters with shorts and high socks anymore! orz

I think my update could be pretty much summed up in: tl;dr, I tried my best and most probably failed in all areas. But it's okay, it's only been about three days of freedom and I'm kicking it off like a boss with eight-hour The Sims 3 sessions and movies and... not eating because I put on some weight during the exams, damn. But I could sure get used to this. \m/(︶ε︶メ)\m/
Current Mood: contentcontent
Current Music: ファミリア♬ D-51
b e l ♛ciette on December 23rd, 2011 11:31 pm (UTC)
;LKJDFLKASFDA AAAAA WHYYY i thought the page wasn't supposed to refresh when you expanded a comment a;ldkfja lj is screwing up too much lately.... it's okay, ayumu. :"> i've got lots of time these days so i'm totally flexible! go out and have fun if you should! ♥ tweet me when you're coming on and i'll be there~ \o/
anyway, good that you're home-home! how long will you be staying there?

wait, was it for a kink meme? HAHA. i used to stalk those not so much for the smut but... a lot of weird fic gets written because it's all anonymous. the only fic (anon too) that i wrote was for a junjou romantica meme... which was usagi/misaki and i don't even know why i wrote it because i absolutely have an aversion to that couple. ahh, youth.
HEY I'M INTERESTED SHOW ME!! hey poetic and abstract is the way to go. it's mukuro we're talking about. upon watching reborn now, i feel pretty disturbed by him though he seems like an interesting character to explore. you know, when fandom isn't just fangirling about how he's cool and hot and stuff.

YES he's too boisterous for my liking! ew. it's kind of annoying though - heroes don't have to be like in your face all the time. there're leaders which are the more silent, calm, thinking sort which should be advocated instead of this crazy kid who goes around driven by action. just. not my kinda thing.
aw man, i have no recollection of the scene ;_; my memory from two/three years ago fails. i'm definitely going to rewatch the series and watch the movie one day though, i'll keep a look out for it. OH YES I DO REMEMBER THE BERSERK PART. it was definitely one of the coolest scenes i've watched. what i pray everyday is for a huge, expanded animated version of the joui war and gin's teacher. i'm so intrigued by the past but it's actually properly expanded upon in an arc. orz
spaceships? okay that's definitely sounding like an interesting sci-fi series right now o: i think i've heard some of the IN sounds before - definitely not conventional.

how about this

hey i genuinely think this is cute. wait why am i researching on bentos
catch the rainbowdijeh on December 24th, 2011 04:28 pm (UTC)
I thought so too, but! Eh, anyway, today was a blast, hehe. Looking forward to tomorrow!
I'll be staying until the 8th of January or something? School starts on the 9th, so yeah...bleh. I've got so many things to do, I can't even

Yes, haha. I used to stalk them for the cool ideas too actually! There are some things people don't dare post on regular comms and some people are too shy to post anything outside kink memes, so those are pretty nice. And I like how original, unusual requests aren't buried under a mountain of porn. At least that's how it was in the P4 kink meme. I don't know much right now, since I stopped browsing it and I don't really want to read fic of my newer fandoms. Some things are better left unsaid, you know?
Oh, uh, ok. I thought I'd deleted the link from my delicious account (it's even tagged as lulz hahaha), but...here oh man so embarrassing, I don't even dare reread it. ;_; And I wasn't even 18 back then, oh man, it's been ages hahaha so much nostalgia. By the way, I love the way you write! I mean, come on, even your normal entries are poetic! Oh, just noticed I used the last name - first name basis back then too; such a weeaboo |D Yeha, Mukuro is a pretty cool guy. Was that thing about his reincarnations ever mentioned again? Anyway, I don't know what I liked more - the Mukuro arc or the Varia one. Reborn used to have such a different atmosphere...

That type of leaders is usually in videogames. And then I tend to get pretty bored of them too, hah. It actually took me about three days to watch the movie, because the series events were still fresh in my mind and I had already seen bits and pieces of it at our JP festival. I was kind of disappointed by the new Tae sequence and because there was no more Shura at the end, but the movie had childhood flashbacks so it was cool! I'm actually surprised they managed to turn it into a coherent story in such a short time. Did you know about the other Gintama movie that was announced a couple of months ago? What if...what if?!

Kawaii as fuck I'd eat those kodama.

...did the Totoro bentou work?
b e l ♛: TREASURE / i'm just a gold diggerciette on December 26th, 2011 05:24 am (UTC)
uwa that's not much of a break at all hang in there dude. D: ♥

i think i know what you mean, man. the same can be said about the gyakuten saiban kink meme - amongst all that prons (lol my autocorrect changed it to prunes wth), there are some real treasures right there!
AND HEY YOUR FIC IS GOOD OKAY, it isn't bad at all! rofl i totally agree with the unconventional fluff!mukuro fic comment. except… damn ayumu, your concept of love is really screwed up, is all i can say. well done, it's befitting of mukuro. hur hur.i think the early arcs of reborn were really great, both the mukuro and varia arc! man, the mukuro arc legit freaked me out with all that talk about possession and reincarnation. someone on the comm talked how there were buddhist references? NOW THAT IS PRETTY ACE.

hahaha MAN thanks ayumu, but you wouldn't think so if i linked you that kink meme fic i wrote when i was 15. oh god why did i write porn, i don't even like read that stuff. someone kill me now. it's so embarrassing i daren't read it again either.

YES one of the reasons i didn't watch the movie yet was because i can still remember what happened during the series and i was afraid i'd get bored of it. HELL YEAH SHURA that was really important to setting the scene of the series! AND I HEARD OF THAT TOO i'm praying that they're not pulling a fast one on us… ARE THEY? ARE THEY? cause i saw a like 10 minutes video clip and i thought they were kidding…… again. :| BUT PLEASE SUNRISE PLEASE REVERSE TROLL US

it's super effective! damn those totoro teeth look yummy… and creepy. and its tongue…..




Edited at 2011-12-26 05:26 am (UTC)
catch the rainbow: [utena] ◉∀◉dijeh on December 28th, 2011 01:18 pm (UTC)
I read before about the GS kink meme, wasn't it the huge one? Like, 40+ new entries on a journal or something like that? Heard it was like the Holy Grail of kink memes, haha.

Pffft, thanks, but is that really fluff, man, I just wrote that thing on a whim, it wasn't even my vision of love, what are you talking about, lol. ...now that I think about, why did I write it anyway? Huh. This is strange. I'm not even sure I captured his "darker side" correctly, I mean. Yeah, never mind. Yes, yes, the Buddhist references! I liked that and wished Amano had explored them more instead of lolFutureArc. And the sakura thing with Hibari, that confrontation was awesome.

I WANT TO READ IT HAHAHAHAHAH C'mon, show it to me, c'mon. I had no idea it was actually porn and now the whole idea is hilarious to me, ahahaha, show meeee. I don't even know the characters but who cares ahahahahah

Oh, was the 10-minute video clip part of the last episodes? Because it was gorgeous and so intriguing, ah, I want more, stop teasing us. :C


b e l ♛ciette on December 30th, 2011 10:46 am (UTC)
yes it definitely is! it had like... 20 parts in total, each having thousands of responses? AMAZING. and i never knew it was that epic HAHA holy grail. XD

it's okay, i have similar questions in my mind. WHY DID I STLAK A KINK MEME FOR REQUESTS. why did i write such a thing. but hey, at least it brought future lulz! i think that's reason enough. hur hur. yes, indeed. i think what amano needs to do is explore existing characters a bit more - it could be anyone, i mean, i don't even mind looking into yamamoto's past (like were tsuna and yama friends before this shit happened), it would be a lot more interesting!

aw man aw man aw man. well. WELL ALRIGHT, HERE. one thing to note: I AM EMBARRASSED TO THE EXTREME I DON'T KNOW WHY I WROTE THIS yep yep yep there is no literary appreciation point about this piece whatsoever YEP AL;SJDFAKLSD.
oh and i did write half a sequel but i stopped in horror

YES THOSE! i was so excited, you know?! i was all ready to get into it and then... i realised the movie didn't exist. "YET" is what i'm gonna tell myself. YET.

wow scary kuma-chan A;KLDJFA

have a guy with tongue piercings.

OHHH i see wow that's weird logic

Edited at 2011-12-30 03:18 pm (UTC)
catch the rainbowdijeh on January 3rd, 2012 10:12 pm (UTC)
Oh my god, the errors of our youth hahaha! It's like being 40 and terrified of your drunken college nights, except we're a lot tamer...I think. We needed to vent our talent and frustration somewhere, okay. Did we, like, ever see inside Yamamoto's head? I know he let, uh, blonde dude from the future, the one with the loli, GAH I SUCK AT NAMES, beat the crap out of Gokudera because he refused to collaborate, but that (and maybe the fight with Squallo?) were the only times I remember him looking serious. And Yoneda Kou's doujinshi, but those don't count. Oh yeah and his dad seemed to know a lot more than he let on.

Just read it! There was the comparison to a child wishing away his worries that I really loved. I even understood what was going on and that's saying something. I remember reading the beginning of JR a couple of years ago, but got turned off by the art and by the semi-rape from the first three pages or so. Is Usagi's name really Usagi. Because that's weird. Aww, man, you let all those people begging for more; although I'm kind of glad because you stopping in horror made me laugh really hard. The ending was half sad/half DA FUCK and it's obvious that my mind went places and killed poor Mr.Usagi and turned Misaki crazy and etc, etc. Sorry.

Oh lol Kakihara from Ichi the Killer! (movie version) Only read the manga, but damn, it's so gory and screwed up..

Bentou boxes never fail to make me hungry :c

Edited at 2012-01-03 10:19 pm (UTC)
catch the rainbow: [gintama] nai nai zettai naidijeh on January 3rd, 2012 10:20 pm (UTC)
Hey what happened to my bentou box

b e l ♛: frustrations / of the kawaii nekociette on January 6th, 2012 09:13 am (UTC)
ayumu you know i have no idea what you just said orz i think i forgot a lot more about reborn than i expected myself to, damn. D: wait, yoneda kou sounds really familiar. i think i read one of her original works once. what pairings does she do? i don't think i've read anything with yamamoto in it, haha. and yes, i'm with you you there. especially since he gets involved in the future post-Byakuran (trying to be ambiguous here not to spoil you ehhem)... i think there's an implicit relationship there.

LAWL LAWL LAWL ayumu you are terrible!!! i never thought of that ending but heh i kinda favour it too. i love it when characters have psychological problems, damn. :"> YES the semi-rape! THE BIG HANDS. AND HOW ALL THE SEMES LOOK LIKE OTHER SEMES AND UKES LOOK LIKE OTHER UKES and i was thinking that in JR universe, you would immediately be able to tell if your son was a seme and uke just by looking at him. that's how matchmaking in JR verse will be done. nah LOL i think his name is usami akihiko but he needs to have a moe name y'know? since he's absolutely not moe in other aspects. 8'D

wait you recognise it?! amazing. because i sure don't.
i can't see your bentou box ;_; but it's okay. i hope kuroshit brings more delish food to drool at
catch the rainbow: [persona 2] haters gonna hatedijeh on January 6th, 2012 01:46 pm (UTC)
I...oh god lol, never mind, I was just talking about Yamamoto being serious, but seeing how I haven't read the manga in about four years...Yeah, I'd better shut up. Yamamoto/Hibari (don't tell anyone, but I think she pretty much has them act the same way her original characters do. Not like it's a bad thing, but it can get very repetitive) Anyway, I think her works are all right and I think my favourites are NightS (dat ending) and Kanjou Spectrum (Misunderstandings! Uncertainty! Young Love!) ...eh.

I AM TRULY SORRY OR MAYBE NOT! I think reading too many screwed up plots has warped my way of thinking a little; in terms of plots, that is. Exactly. I may be an old man and want my happy lovey-dovey ending with fluff and rainbows and cakes, but psychological problems are much more challenging to read about or write. Heck, we don't even need psychological problems, just some kind of problems or torments or bad qualities. Do I sound like a psycho hopefully not
Hahaha PROPORTIONS they turn me off badly.
i was thinking that in JR universe, you would immediately be able to tell if your son was a seme and uke just by looking at him Oh my god I laughed so hard at this. Living in that universe must be tough, man. What if you want to top yet you're one of those scrawny guys? Ha, fat chance.

Yeah, it was during one my manga reading sprees and it let my mouth hanging for a while. Disturbingly violent.
Well it was something involving tongues! I REFUSE TO DROOL AT KUROSHIT FOOD FUCK THAT I am weeping for Alois now if you'll excuse me
b e l ♛ciette on January 8th, 2012 04:41 pm (UTC)

i... haven't read it for that long as well. (i think that was the peak of fandom so heh justifiable!) HEHE oh ayumu. hmm i think a great deal of mangaka tend to do that D: repeat the same characteristics here and there. it's a huge pity. for some reason i don't really like her art style, but if the plot is good, i'll check out those titles! o/ wakai rabu :"> mmm.

LMAO OF COURSE YOU DON'T or maybe a little but hey it's normal! i personally love drama and angst, and those are usually done the best when there're psychological problems! misunderstandings! pain! bloooood just no gorging out of eyeballs. but heightening tension is no easy task and it's great if they do it well. * A * ... though i'm with you there for happy endings. i want those too. orz even if it's just a bittersweet ending! (eh like kuroshit ii which... i still can't decide if it's a good or bad ending. HAHA. all i know is that it's trollololol)
ROFL right? no hope dude. unless you're one of the outliers like uhh hiroki which is sorta close to the seme stature EXCEPT IN THE MANGA HE HAS A UKE FACE WHAT

catch the rainbow: [dds] are you frustrated heat are youdijeh on January 22nd, 2012 07:02 pm (UTC)
Yeah, they may repeat them, but, idk man, it gets old sometimes. It's all about talent in the end. You can write those typical characters and then subvert them or deconstruct them or have them do something unexpected or just break the mold. As you said, creating a certain atmosphere is difficult and I admire those who manage to do it. It depends on a lot of things -- words, turn of phrase, art, sound, etc. I think one of the reasons I love the Umineko visual novel is the atmosphere. The blend of music and story is amazing, simply amazing. The translation (or maybe the writing?) isn't stellar, but it's got that something, that spark which makes it obsession-worthy.
Well Kuroshit 2 was...yeah, whatever. Let's just say it was a happy ending for Alois.

Hahaha oh man. The series was screwed up (plot wise, development wise, etc), but it did manage to make people react and I'd say that's a good thing.
b e l ♛ciette on January 27th, 2012 03:24 pm (UTC)
>You can write those typical characters and then subvert them or deconstruct them or have them do something unexpected or just break the mold.
this. well said, dude. exactly; many good storytellers/mangaka/etc aren't exactly that original, but subverting expectations is very important! like hibari's loving the school and being a delinquent - that's one of the best examples i can think of.

that's very interesting - that's my impression of umineko fans too. the art is pretty :|, but they must really love the plot and general execution to get into the series. i've personally never played it, but i heard about it's connection with higurashi. is that right?

LOL it totally did. i think the trollololol part of the series? excellently done.
catch the rainbow: [terra e] shiroe more like shimoedijeh on February 4th, 2012 12:12 pm (UTC)
Yup, Hibari is a good example! Or, since I've been reading G.R.R.Martin lately, his characters from A Song of Ice and Fire. I could have sworn I had a title in mind regarding subverted character tropes, but I just can't remember it. I blame the things I have to read for my exams. Oh! Lol, I remembered. Persona 2's characters. They're seriously not what they appear to be in the beginning. I also love it when writers use a tiiiiny trope and go in a completely different direction, creating a new type of characters. I don't like putting them under strict classifications, it takes away all the fun, imo.

Hahaha, the art's got its charm though! At first I thought it was horrendously ugly, but I got used to it. I mean, Ryuukishi can't draw to save his life, but comparing the VN sprites to the PSP ones...I don't know, the latter seem too plastic-y and devoid of life. They're too polished. And if you think his Umineko art is :|, you should take a look at the Higurashi designs. Holy shit, I can say those are objectively bad. The Higurashi connection is strenuous at best. There is a novel named "Higurashi" mentioned in the first episode, which is true, because in one of the Higurashi universes, the events do end up as the subject of a novel, and then there's Bernkastel who has the same name as one of Rika's alternate personalities. And Hanyuu, who is now a grown-up lady and aaagh, that's kind of complicated to explain. I think it's best to consider Umineko a parallel universe where some Higurashi parts ended up. (SPOILER: in Higurashi Rika is travelling between kakera or alternate realities and she develops an alter ego named Bernkastel. It's possible that Bernkastel got bored and started travelling herself. There's also Lambdadelta, another witch, who is considered to be the alter ego of Takano Miyo, another Higurashi character. It's seriously confusing, and the ending doesn't help at all)

b e l ♛ciette on February 5th, 2012 12:10 pm (UTC)
oh, i remember you mentioning that you were reading that book! and persona is sounding so good * A * i've already started searching for download links because my schedule is starting to loosen up a little. i like that, as well! it's almost like a tiny parody of tropes of sorts. imo, many authors riding on tropes, not only uncreative, i think they might be pretty lazy? =x lots of shoujo/bl manga these days are great examples, though there are fair share of series which try to subvert tropes, but can't help doing it in similar way that even the subversion becomes a trope... if you know what i mean. i guess it really is hard to be entirely original.

speaking of games, has skyrim been popular in romania? this game has been sweeping my facebook pages for miles to go once it was released, and the graphics look pretty good * 3 * /random

i just checked out the higurashi designs! um... orz no comment. i guess the plot must have been really powerful to make it to the anime screens though - that took care of the prettifying bits. i kinda agree with you about vn sprites though. those are passable but hardly exciting - they're aesthetically okay, but easily forgotten because they're not visually interesting. oh god ayumu anything after the spoiler tag -- i got thoroughly confused XDDD but i had no idea they were parallel universes! i just thought they were made by collaborating authors/artists, because they're always marketed together. is there some kind of... timeline? like which one comes first?
catch the rainbow: [got] no ser we do not want a roomdijeh on February 10th, 2012 11:59 am (UTC)
*series. I'm at the third book now and it's huge! I wish I could just stay in bed all day and read it because there are so many interesting things going on, yet I have no time...;_; Yay! Tell me if you're going to need help! I was thinking those authors might be lazy too, although there's that thing about integrity and all. I guess there are indeed many reasons these tropes are perpetuated and loved so much -- they've been around for a long time, people are comfortable with what they find familiar and are not motivated enough to try out new things, writers (especially new ones) are afraid their books won't sell or are forced by the editors to change stuff. I think authors just need to pick up the courage and do something fresh, otherwise we'll be drowning in this type of bad tropes. Not to mention there are a lot of writers with connections and these connection allow even the most cliche and idiotic ideas to get to the general public. And speaking of the public, things like Sandra Brown novels or Twilight or whatever sell so much because their target audience is the most numerous among general readers. Unfortunately. Also, I agree about subversion becoming a trope! Like, you have the seemingly badass dangerous guy who in reality likes lemon cakes and puppies. It's just..difficult to come up with something new, after thousands of years of literature.

I honestly have no idea! I think it is pretty popular though, we tend to jump on popular games easily, haha. I want to play it too, it looks really good and it's got dragons! I love what I've seen of the mythos too. These type of pseudo-medieval fantasy stories are always interesting, imo.

DID YOU LIKE THOSE BOXING GLOVE HANDS. The plot is...all right? It goes full retard at the end, but the mysterious atmosphere in the beginning was what made it very popular. Higurashi and Umineko were indeed written and illustrated by the same guy, but, yeah, the parallel universes thing is really confusing. Chronologically, Higurashi is first. I think the main story takes place in 1983 or so, with some flashbacks and Umineko three years later. I'd say they're both worth a read, especially because of the atmosphere in the earlier episodes. In any case, no matter which ending happens in Higurashi (dead/alive/exploded/mad), it will always be over before Umineko and will never affect it.